The Self in love

Posted on 21st January 2016 in Relationships
The Self in love

The Self in love

Selena Vela

If love is a physical act, then our bodies must be toned and fashioned to execute it for longer than a minute.  Giving and receiving any form of love requires a lifelong dance between self and other in terms of care.  Your lover cannot get the proper devotion deserved if you do not remember that you are also in a love relationship with yourself, and you deserve consistent nourishment. 

When we give too much of ourselves to a singular person, we look at them as both our god and inhibitor.  We point our spiritual finger of blame at them and say, “I have given up everything for you.”  Often times, our identity can become so interlocked with a significant other that it begins to become defined by this.  Such sacrifice of self can become burdensome not only on the person who is being sacrificed, but on the partner who is being cast in the blame of such sacrifice.  We need to stop blaming others for the pieces of ourselves that we willingly give to them.  Remember, you are not living your life for the other person, but celebrating your life with the other person.

This opens up the complicated system of maintaining individuality while experiencing true connection.  Yes, it is important to have your own identity, but if there are constant barriers in either person to actually be in the relationship, then you are not truly experiencing love.  We can become embittered by our “sacrifices” to another because we are viewing such sacrifices in a connotation of loss towards our own existence.  Any relationship is a sacrifice of our individual time, solitude, energy and commitment.  We need to remember that these elements aren’t being destroyed.  We are sacrificing our time to be in time with the other.  We are sacrificing our self to share our self with another self. 
Now, in order to celebrate these sacrifices and create peaceful and loving experiences, you have to first believe that you want these kinds of experiences in your life.  It sounds simple, but I have witnessed in myself the enjoyment of being habitually angry and operating an identity of self-hate.  There are people I know who still operate this way.  And these people cannot understand why they keep engaging in tensions and aggression with lover after lover.
I think anger, sadness, resentment, and conflict can be addictive personality traits in a person.  We must be aware and active against these traits.  Addiction to negativity can become an unknown enjoyment that has a direct effect on your experience with your lover, as it is both an atmosphere that seduces others into being inside of it and simultaneously separates you from each other in love.
We need to examine this.  By enjoying the anger of the moment of a fight, you further the complication and distance of the anger you have for yourself.  You can become addicted to being mad at other people to distract yourself from the unstable relationship you have with yourself.

You cannot run away from the thing that is you when engaging in any relationship.  Therefore, we must be vulnerable enough to love ourselves proudly.  We often think loving ourselves will be shamed by society as conceited or selfish.  This is why we are afraid to even talk about having a true relation to ourselves and constantly thinking about how we can serve others.  Sometimes I can ignore my own basic necessities such as hygiene when I am thinking I am loving someone else by giving them all of my attention.  How is that in any way healthy?

In my humble opinion, many seeds of negativity in relationships stem from a great lack of self-care.  How can we change this?  Make communication with yourself a priority in order to better hone your communication skills with others.  Write or say aloud how you feel about who you are and what you want to achieve inside.  Talk to yourself out loud in a loving manner about everything you need from yourself.  Be infinitely creative with crafting your self-relationship.  Imagine what our lives could look like if we spent just a little more time fostering a beautiful and peaceful relationship with who we are, with our spirits inside.

In my article, “Ten Tools to Strengthen Your Love Life”, I touch on topics of ways in which you can begin to think about how to better love someone else.  It is clear that all ten subjects rely on a deeply loving foundation within oneself, and all items can be directly applied to the relationship you are in creation with inside of you.  This article and “Ten Tools” are both serving as an offer to your brain, body, and spirit of a new way, perhaps, to think about the nature of your identity in any relationship.

  Use anything you can from both articles to cultivate a great amount of love inwardly and begin creating your own ways of deeply caring for the being that is you.  Take what calls to you, and collaborate upon the thoughts.  I hope the words can open you to a direction for you to craft your own pathways of loving inwardly and outwardly with others.  This is a life-long discovery, but one I am offering you in this moment to begin to embark on for yourself.